These past few days I have had many people asking if Cody and I are okay, so I prayed to my Heavenly Father and asked how I should handle this situation. How do I tell people? How do I talk about it? Then I felt the need to talk about the trails we have been faced with recently, and shed a little light on how common and heartbreaking it is to be one of the many going through these hard times.
Cody and I have been praying to our Heavenly Father this past year, to bless us, and help us start a family. We talked about it for months, spent many hours at the temple, and pleaded for guidance in knowing when the right time was to have kids.
As time went on we were given more than clear signs that we needed to wait a little longer. We were not sure why at the time, but as our lives went on we were shown the reasons why through our hardships and blessings.
After months and months we felt that it was the right time to start a family. I hadn't had a menstrual cycle in almost 7 months, and was not ovulating on my own, so I had to go to the doctor for some help. I was given hormones and another medication to help me ovulate. Within a month we were pregnant! I had all the signs of pregnancy. I was already sick, but having weird little cravings. My body hurt worse in places than it had ever hurt before. I was cramping, I was excited, and I was a little scared.
A few weeks later I started to get really sick. My body went into shock. I couldn't move, I could barely breath. I laid in the fetal position on the floor and just cried. It was like no pain I had ever felt before in my life. Then I miscarried our first baby. It was the worst feeling, and the scariest thought. What was I supposed to do? How could we ever tell anyone? Do we tell anyone? Am I the only one going through this? So many question that I wanted to ask, but how? Was this God's way of saying, "Maybe now is not the right time"?
We decided that the best thing for us would be to try again the next month. After a few weeks of trying Cody told me that he had been worried about my body and my health, and was so scared about having the same thing happen that he felt like maybe we should wait a little longer. I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried. I finally (reluctantly) agreed that maybe he was right and we should wait.
As the next few weeks went by, I thought to myself, "We were trying, then stopped, and I still never took a pregnancy test." I had some of the same symptoms of my last pregnancy but told myself there was no way. I had the thought that maybe I should wake up in the morning and take one just in case. It couldn't hurt, could it?
I woke the next day after Cody had gone to work, and went into the bathroom. I pulled out a test, took it, turned it upside down on the counter, stood up off the toilet, and as I did I turned the test over. It was POSITIVE. I was in disbelief. I was shocked, but more than anything, I was unbelievably happy. I ran into our bedroom, knelt down by our bed and thanked my Heavenly Father for allowing us to get pregnant again. We were finally going to have a family!!!
Of course Cody had a long day at work and I had to wait 9 hours for him to get home! I was pacing around the house looking for things to do to keep me occupied until he got home so I could tell him! When he finally got home I was waiting in our room with a few little baby things on our bed, and my pregnancy test. I stood there for what seemed like eternity waiting for him to walk down the hallway into our room. I started shaking. Could he please just hurry up!!! Geez. When he finally walked in the room he stood in complete silence, stared at me with a little grin and asked if I was pregnant. I shook my head yes and started bawling. He walked over and gave me a huge hug. He was so excited but couldn't believe it was true!
About a week and a half later I started to get really sharp pains in my left ovary. I called my OB and he told me I needed to come in the next morning. When we got there for an ultrasound he found that I had a ruptured cyst, and that's what was causing all of my pain. Our babe looked good, tiny, and had a little heartbeat. The doctor told us to come back in a week just to check and make sure everything was okay. The next week I was 7 1/2 weeks. Our babe had a strong heartbeat, but was still a tiny little thing. He told us that it was measuring a little small, but it might just be that I'm not as far along as we thought. We then scheduled my 10 week appt. and the doctor said he would see us then. December 8th would be the day.
Up until this day we had only told a couple people. We wanted to keep it a secret and decided that it would be best to tell our families the night after our appt. just to make sure everything went well, and then we would have an ultrasound of the little nugget to show everyone. As time got closer, we told my little sister and asked if she would come over to take a few pictures for us that we would use as an announcement on our Christmas cards. This would be part of how we told our families.
Two days before my appointment we figured that we should just tell our families, then we would tell our extended family and friends after the ultrasound. Saturday and Sunday night we told our families and grandparents. Everyone was so excited! We couldn't believe we had made it 10 weeks without telling our families. It was such an amazing and uplifting experience knowing that our loved ones were so happy for us, and were so excited for us to bring another baby into the family.
The next day... Monday, December 8th. I was 10 1/2 weeks. This was the day we had been waiting for. Cody, my best friend, Grace, and I got to the doctors office at 9 am. We sat in his office and talked about all of the good and hard things about pregnancy. Do's and Don'ts. He answered any and all questions that we had then told us it was finally time for my ultrasound. We walked into the next room, I laid down on the table and he started the ultrasound. As I watched to monitor above me he showed me my overfull bladder, and everything else in there that was growing just as it should be during pregnancy. He then showed us our little babe. It looked like a little dolphin. I couldn't believe how much it had grown in the past few weeks. The doctor told us that he always thinks they look like little cinnamon bears at this stage. He kept looking at the babe and moving around to see it at different angles. Then he got really quiet for about 3 minutes. I suddenly got a really sick feeling. The doctor looked down at me, grabbed my knee and said, "I have bad news, and I'm sorry. This is the worst part of my job.... but your baby no longer has a heartbeat." My worst fear had just come true, and I completely lost it. I was shaking and bawling uncontrollably. Cody got up and just held me. The doc said he wanted to watch for a few more minutes to make sure that there was for sure no chance of it having a heartbeat.
After a couple minutes he told us that something was wrong with the baby because it was smaller than it should be. He said that it was only measuring about 7 1/2 weeks. I was sick. How was this possible? The doctor got up and said that would could stay in there as long as we needed to, and that he would meet us back in his office when we were ready. We sat there and cried awhile before I could even get the strength to get up off the table. I hated this feeling. All I could think about is how much closer I was getting to July 5th. How that was going to be our special day. That the clock was counting down, and then I was suddenly stopped in my tracks. No warning. Just heartbreak.
Once we were back in his office, he gave us a couple options. Wait it out, and wait for my body to reject the baby and pass it by going into labor at home which could take maybe a month and be extremely painful like the last time. Or have a D&C the next day. Which is a surgery where they go in and pull everything out so my body can get back to normal and heal quicker, which is also the least painful route. He told us to take some time to think about it and that we could call him later that day and let him know what we wanted to do.
We went home, snuggled up on the couch and just cried. We talked about what we thought would be best for us, and decided to go with the D&C the next day. We went back into his office and they did a second ultrasound just for closure purposes so we would feel better about the surgery. We then went and told our families. It went just as we thought it would. A long day of tears, and overwhelming trials that not just us, but our loved ones were now facing with us. We then knew why we had the impression to tell our families when we did. We needed their love and support.
We spent the remainder of the day up in the mountains together looking for a Christmas tree, and talking about God's plan for us and our family. Afterwards we went to Cody's parents house and his mom made us some soup for dinner. We played cards and talked, which was exactly what we needed. Just to be around the ones we love, surrounded by their love and support.
6 am the next day. We stopped and picked Cody's mom up so he would have someone to sit with while waiting for me to get out of surgery. We didn't feel like it would be a good thing for either of us to be alone. Cody and his dad gave me a blessing before we left to the hospital. I needed it more than anything. I was so scared. When we got there I checked in and they took me back to get ready for surgery. We waited until 7:30 when the doctor was supposed to there for me to go back into the surgical room. My nurse and nurse anesthetist that were going to be assisting during the procedure came and talked to me. They helped me feel a little more calm and loved. They both held my hands and rubbed my arms and legs telling me they were so sorry that I had to go through this. I just laid there and cried. Terrified, with so many questions and feelings running through my mind.
It was only about a minute before I was started to go out of it. Next thing I knew I was shivering, freezing cold, in my recovery room with Code and his mom. The nurses hooked me up to a heater and gave me warm blankets. I slept for quite a while before they helped me to the bathroom, and got me dressed to go home.
Yesterday was a long day. A lot of tears, and heartache. Questions. Emptiness. I was now home, with no baby, and the constant cramping pains as a reminder of that. I was exhausted. I still am, and will probably continue to be for quite a while.
Through this whole experience I have found that talking to those around me, I realize that I am not alone. There are so many people that love me, that are strong, and have gone through these same trials. Their strength gives me strength. They made it through these afflictions, and so can I. I am strong. I am a mom to two little angels, and my angels are now watching over me. I know I will be reunited with them on the other side of the veil. I will have a chance to raise them. For this, I am forever grateful for an eternal marriage and the blessings that come through it.
As I went through some of my General Conference notes last night I read,
David A. Bednar-
"The savior KNOWS. He has perfect empathy."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf-
"The details of each life are unique.
Focus on being grateful in our circumstances.
Through the eyes of faith, we look through our present day challenges.
Not my way, but thine be done.
There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."
Who would have known that a few simple notes I wrote down a few months ago would help me through the struggles I am now faced with? God is SO good. He knows us personally and loves us unconditionally. I know that this was something that Cody and I needed to go through in our lives. We have been directly told from our Heavenly Father that we need to "love each spirit and child in our home." As scary of a thought that has been, we now understand it a little better. We know that the love we have felt from our families, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father these past few days has been a completely different kind of love than we have ever felt in our lives.
We could never thank everyone enough for all of the kind words, gifts, gestures and concerns we have received over these past few days. Life isn't always easy, and we know that only as time goes on our hearts will be healed. As much as this is one thing I never wanted to talk about, my Heavenly Father has assured me that I am not alone, and that through talking about our loss we can be mended by love, and the strength of those around us.
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