There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.

These past few days I have had many people asking if Cody and I are okay, so I prayed to my Heavenly Father and asked how I should handle this situation. How do I tell people? How do I talk about it? Then I felt the need to talk about the trails we have been faced with recently, and shed a little light on how common and heartbreaking it is to be one of the many going through these hard times.

 

     Cody and I have been praying to our Heavenly Father this past year, to bless us, and help us start a family. We talked about it for months, spent many hours at the temple, and pleaded for guidance in knowing when the right time was to have kids.

     As time went on we were given more than clear signs that we needed to wait a little longer. We were not sure why at the time, but as our lives went on we were shown the reasons why through our hardships and blessings.

     After months and months we felt that it was the right time to start a family. I hadn't had a menstrual cycle in almost 7 months, and was not ovulating on my own, so I had to go to the doctor for some help. I was given hormones and another medication to help me ovulate. Within a month we were pregnant! I had all the signs of pregnancy. I was already sick, but having weird little cravings. My body hurt worse in places than it had ever hurt before. I was cramping, I was excited, and I was a little scared.

     A few weeks later I started to get really sick. My body went into shock. I couldn't move, I could barely breath. I laid in the fetal position on the floor and just cried. It was like no pain I had ever felt before in my life. Then I miscarried our first baby. It was the worst feeling, and the scariest thought. What was I supposed to do? How could we ever tell anyone? Do we tell anyone? Am I the only one going through this? So many question that I wanted to ask, but how? Was this God's way of saying, "Maybe now is not the right time"?

     We decided that the best thing for us would be to try again the next month. After a few weeks of trying Cody told me that he had been worried about my body and my health, and was so scared about having the same thing happen that he felt like maybe we should wait a little longer. I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried. I finally (reluctantly) agreed that maybe he was right and we should wait.
    

     As the next few weeks went by, I thought to myself, "We were trying, then stopped, and I still never took a pregnancy test." I had some of the same symptoms of my last pregnancy but told myself there was no way. I had the thought that maybe I should wake up in the morning and take one just in case. It couldn't hurt, could it?

     I woke the next day after Cody had gone to work, and went into the bathroom. I pulled out a test, took it, turned it upside down on the counter, stood up off the toilet, and as I did I turned the test over. It was POSITIVE. I was in disbelief. I was shocked, but more than anything, I was unbelievably happy. I ran into our bedroom, knelt down by our bed and thanked my Heavenly Father for allowing us to get pregnant again. We were finally going to have a family!!!

     Of course Cody had a long day at work and I had to wait 9 hours for him to get home! I was pacing around the house looking for things to do to keep me occupied until he got home so I could tell him! When he finally got home I was waiting in our room with a few little baby things on our bed, and my pregnancy test. I stood there for what seemed like eternity waiting for him to walk down the hallway into our room. I started shaking. Could he please just hurry up!!! Geez. When he finally walked in the room he stood in complete silence, stared at me with a little grin and asked if I was pregnant. I shook my head yes and started bawling. He walked over and gave me a huge hug. He was so excited but couldn't believe it was true!

    

     About a week and a half later I started to get really sharp pains in my left ovary. I called my OB and he told me I needed to come in the next morning. When we got there for an ultrasound he found that I had a ruptured cyst, and that's what was causing all of my pain. Our babe looked good, tiny, and had a little heartbeat. The doctor told us to come back in a week just to check and make sure everything was okay. The next week I was 7 1/2 weeks. Our babe had a strong heartbeat, but was still a tiny little thing. He told us that it was measuring a little small, but it might just be that I'm not as far along as we thought. We then scheduled my 10 week appt. and the doctor said he would see us then. December 8th would be the day.

 

     Up until this day we had only told a couple people. We wanted to keep it a secret and decided that it would be best to tell our families the night after our appt. just to make sure everything went well, and then we would have an ultrasound of the little nugget to show everyone. As time got closer, we told my little sister and asked if she would come over to take a few pictures for us that we would use as an announcement on our Christmas cards. This would be part of how we told our families.

     Two days before my appointment we figured that we should just tell our families, then we would tell our extended family and friends after the ultrasound. Saturday and Sunday night we told our families and grandparents. Everyone was so excited! We couldn't believe we had made it 10 weeks without telling our families. It was such an amazing and uplifting experience knowing that our loved ones were so happy for us, and were so excited for us to bring another baby into the family.

    

     The next day... Monday, December 8th. I was 10 1/2 weeks. This was the day we had been waiting for. Cody, my best friend, Grace, and I got to the doctors office at 9 am. We sat in his office and talked about all of the good and hard things about pregnancy. Do's and Don'ts. He answered any and all questions that we had then told us it was finally time for my ultrasound. We walked into the next room, I laid down on the table and he started the ultrasound. As I watched to monitor above me he showed me my overfull bladder, and everything else in there that was growing just as it should be during pregnancy. He then showed us our little babe. It looked like a little dolphin. I couldn't believe how much it had grown in the past few weeks. The doctor told us that he always thinks they look like little cinnamon bears at this stage. He kept looking at the babe and moving around to see it at different angles. Then he got really quiet for about 3 minutes. I suddenly got a really sick feeling. The doctor looked down at me, grabbed my knee and said, "I have bad news, and I'm sorry. This is the worst part of my job.... but your baby no longer has a heartbeat." My worst fear had just come true, and I completely lost it. I was shaking and bawling uncontrollably. Cody got up and just held me. The doc said he wanted to watch for a few more minutes to make sure that there was for sure no chance of it having a heartbeat.

     After a couple minutes he told us that something was wrong with the baby because it was smaller than it should be. He said that it was only measuring about 7 1/2 weeks. I was sick. How was this possible? The doctor got up and said that would could stay in there as long as we needed to, and that he would meet us back in his office when we were ready. We sat there and cried awhile before I could even get the strength to get up off the table. I hated this feeling. All I could think about is how much closer I was getting to July 5th. How that was going to be our special day. That the clock was counting down, and then I was suddenly stopped in my tracks. No warning. Just heartbreak.

    

Once we were back in his office, he gave us a couple options. Wait it out, and wait for my body to reject the baby and pass it by going into labor at home which could take maybe a month and be extremely painful like the last time. Or have a D&C the next day. Which is a surgery where they go in and pull everything out so my body can get back to normal and heal quicker, which is also the least painful route. He told us to take some time to think about it and that we could call him later that day and let him know what we wanted to do.

     We went home, snuggled up on the couch and just cried. We talked about what we thought would be best for us, and decided to go with the D&C the next day. We went back into his office and they did a second ultrasound just for closure purposes so we would feel better about the surgery. We then went and told our families. It went just as we thought it would. A long day of tears, and overwhelming trials that not just us, but our loved ones were now facing with us. We then knew why we had the impression to tell our families when we did. We needed their love and support.

     We spent the remainder of the day up in the mountains together looking for a Christmas tree, and talking about God's plan for us and our family. Afterwards we went to Cody's parents house and his mom made us some soup for dinner. We played cards and talked, which was exactly what we needed. Just to be around the ones we love, surrounded by their love and support.

 

     6 am the next day. We stopped and picked Cody's mom up so he would have someone to sit with while waiting for me to get out of surgery. We didn't feel like it would be a good thing for either of us to be alone. Cody and his dad gave me a blessing before we left to the hospital. I needed it more than anything. I was so scared. When we got there I checked in and they took me back to get ready for surgery. We waited until 7:30 when the doctor was supposed to there for me to go back into the surgical room. My nurse and nurse anesthetist that were going to be assisting during the procedure came and talked to me. They helped me feel a little more calm and loved. They both held my hands and rubbed my arms and legs telling me they were so sorry that I had to go through this. I just laid there and cried. Terrified, with so many questions and feelings running through my mind. 

     It was only about a minute before I was started to go out of it. Next thing I knew I was shivering, freezing cold, in my recovery room with Code and his mom. The nurses hooked me up to a heater and gave me warm blankets. I slept for quite a while before they helped me to the bathroom, and got me dressed to go home.

 

     Yesterday was a long day. A lot of tears, and heartache. Questions. Emptiness. I was now home, with no baby, and the constant cramping pains as a reminder of that. I was exhausted. I still am, and will probably continue to be for quite a while.

 

     Through this whole experience I have found that talking to those around me, I realize that I am not alone. There are so many people that love me, that are strong, and have gone through these same trials. Their strength gives me strength. They made it through these afflictions, and so can I. I am strong. I am a mom to two little angels, and my angels are now watching over me. I know I will be reunited with them on the other side of the veil. I will have a chance to raise them. For this, I am forever grateful for an eternal marriage and the blessings that come through it.

 

     As I went through some of my General Conference notes last night I read,

David A. Bednar-

"The savior KNOWS. He has perfect empathy."

 

Dieter F. Uchtdorf-

"The details of each life are unique.

Focus on being grateful in our circumstances.

Through the eyes of faith, we look through our present day challenges.

Not my way, but thine be done.

There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."

 

     Who would have known that a few simple notes I wrote down a few months ago would help me through the struggles I am now faced with? God is SO good. He knows us personally and loves us unconditionally. I know that this was something that Cody and I needed to go through in our lives. We have been directly told from our Heavenly Father that we need to "love each spirit and child in our home." As scary of a thought that has been, we now understand it a little better. We know that the love we have felt from our families, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father these past few days has been a completely different kind of love than we have ever felt in our lives.

 

     We could never thank everyone enough for all of the kind words, gifts, gestures and concerns we have received over these past few days. Life isn't always easy, and we know that only as time goes on our hearts will be healed. As much as this is one thing I never wanted to talk about, my Heavenly Father has assured me that I am not alone, and that through talking about our loss we can be mended by love, and the strength of those around us.





A peek into my tesimony.

This morning I have been feeling the need to share part of my testimony because I am beyond grateful to have the gospel in my life.

I KNOW that Christ lives. I know that He atoned for my sins, and ultimately, died so that I may live. I know that He sacrificed all that He had for me, and for every single human on this planet. I know that He loves me and knows me by name. I know that He is my Savior, and without him I am nothing. 

I know these things to be true, not because I was raised by an LDS family, but because I was lost, unhappy, and struggling and one point with everything in my life. The ONLY thing I ever found to actually help me, lift me up, and make me happy was the gospel of Jesus Christ. I went to other churches and tried to find different means of escape from this "evil" world through drugs, alcohol, or putting people down. Thinking it would make me happier. This world wasn't the evil I was facing, but the very things I had tied myself down to. The things I was doing. But it was all just fun and games, right?

Through gospel study, prayer, and listening to the words of missionaries and prophets of God, I was able to once again find TRUE happiness. I was able to be around my family and real friends. I was able to live a simple life that is healthy and uplifting. Through the atonement I was able to remember what great blessings come from choosing the right, servings others, paying my tithing, and fervent prayer that gave me an everlasting friendship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is the one and only true gospel upon the face of the Earth. Because I have prayed about it, asked to be shown the truth, done all I can to live by it's teachings, and have had unwavering faith that my Savior will always be there for me, even at my lowest points. I have had confirmation unlike anything I have ever felt before, that Christ is there for me, that he loves me, and that the church is true.
I know that the family is of God, and the most important thing we can ever have in our lives. I know that my family will always be there for me when I need them, and will love me unconditionally. I know that my family, especially my in-laws, were put here on this Earth so that I may know the meaning of everlasting love, friendship, and hard work. So that I may learn to love each of them individually for their strengths, personalities, and even their flaws.
I know that the power of prayer is undeniably one of the strongest, and most accessible tools that we have. We can use it however, whenever, where ever. We can use it to give thanks for all that we have, or to ask for strength in our weaknesses. We can ask for blessings upon other people, ourselves, and our prophet and leaders. We can use prayer to talk to our Heavenly Father when we are scared, and ask for protection, direction, and safety. Through prayer He can lessen our pains and afflictions, and hear the desires of our hearts, raw, unwavering or not. He, without a doubt, will ALWAYS be there for us.
I know that power of the priesthood can heal and bless all of those who seek its use, and those of whom use it to bless others. I have felt and seen it first hand. EX. When I got my tonsils out, I was sick for 3 weeks, lost 15 lbs, was in the worst pain of my life, and was unable to sleep. I asked for someone to please go and get my seminary teacher across the street from my house, at the high school, and tell him that I needed a blessing. Somehow, it happened to be his prep period and he was able to run over to my house. I told him that I was in so much pain, and that I just needed to sleep for a little while. I was bawling, curled up in a ball on the love sac, and begging for some help. He laid his hands upon my head and gave me a blessing. A blessing I would be forever grateful for, and remember to this day. He blessed me that I would be able to sleep, and that my pain would lessen greatly. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He told me to get some rest and that he would talk to me later when I was feeling better, then he went back to the school. I laid there still in pain thinking that I was in too much pain, how could that blessing ever help? Then I told myself, Jordan, maybe you should just have a little faith. As soon as I changed the way I was thinking, I was out. I woke up about 3 1/2 hours later to one of my friends sitting on the couch playing me songs on his guitar, and had brought me a huge box of chocolate creamies. (My favorite!) I told him about the blessing, and how I was so grateful that I was able to have the hand of the priesthood in my life, and to have so many priesthood holders that surrounded me each and every day.
 I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I have pondered and prayed about it. I have lived it, and know that it is the only path to true happiness. I know that it holds the power of God, and that it can perform miracles in the lives of each and every individual on this Earth, even those who have gone before us. There is power in the covenants we have made, and in the temples that are on the face of this Earth. In our temples, we can bless those who are deceased and those who are living, and more so, bless ourselves in doing this work. I know this to be true because I have been sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity in the House of the Lord, and have seen and felt its powers, first hand. Just as I continue to see them in my everyday life.
I love my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, my family, my friends, and most importantly, my trusted confidant, love of my life, and spouse, Cody James Anderson.
All of these things I love and know to be true.
And I say so in the name of our beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

So much hope.

I'm sure that many people know a little bit of my past, and a few of the life changing events that I faced as a teenager. Things that weren't easy.

I struggled.

I failed.

I fought.

Defeated.

Lonely.

Depressed.

Self-hating.

Selfish.

I had so much to live for, yet I couldn't see it. I wanted life to be over. I wanted my pain and afflictions to go away forever. I wanted HAPPINESS. And somehow could never find it.

I had one thing to hold on to. That one thing is Grace Anna Quesenberry. She was my light, my rock, my happiness, and my determined example.

We struggled through so many things together, and not once did she ever let me down. She was there to lift me up and encourage me, even through her darkest days. I could never thank her enough for her love and support. 

Grace, you are my best friend, and I will forever love you.

Check out this video on Vimeo to listen to a little inspiration from Grace. :)

http://vimeo.com/99114097

One.

For my first blog EVER, I figured I would post something I wrote awhile ago on FB so that I will always have it on here! This is something I wrote while trying to cope with some struggles I have been facing: 

I've been on this continuous struggle these last few years with others, especially ones that I love, letting their judgement and hatred get to me. Making me feel anxious, like I can't be myself around them. I have been trying to find ways to get over it, but it just doesn't feel right to be treated this way. 

Sooo... In return, I have been doing some studying, praying, and writing to try and counter these feelings and I would like to share it! :)

In Preach My Gospel it states, "Christlike attributes are gifts from God. They come as you use your agency righteously. Ask your Heavenly Father to bless you with these attributes, you cannot develop them without His help."

In the October 2012 general conference, Linda K Burton stated "Love your enemies. Bless those that curse you."

And Lastly, a poem that I wrote a couple years ago. Its called, "The More"

"The more positive I am, the less I complain.

The more challenges I am given, the stronger I become.

The more people I encounter, the more opportunities I have to serve.

The more I smile, the brighter my day.

The more I give, the more I get.

The more I ask, the more answers I am given.

The more I listen, the more I learn.

The more I convert myself to the gospel, the closer to God I become.

The more Christ-like I act, the more I am promised eternal life. 

The greatest gift.

Be "the more" to see what's in store. Because there is nothing greater than true happiness." :)

Through all of this, I have learned that I don't need anybody else to make me feel adequate in God's eyes. I have a loving, eternal companion, and the true gospel of Jesus Christ by my side through every step I take in this life.

I have a testimony that God loves us all. He wants us all to become as close to him in this life as we can. He wants us to outwardly express our love for others, just as Christ did, and continues to do for all of us. We make mistakes, we judge others, we become jealous, and we act so in an outward manner. That is not us. That is Satan. He wants us to feel inadequate. He wants us to crumble and fall. He doesn't want us to love others and to have eternal life. He is not on our side. 

Learn to love each and everyone of your family members. Love those around you, no matter how different. Every person has great qualities, but they are not all the same as others. Still love them. Let them know you love them. Act outward in a Christ-like manner so that people can feel Him through YOU.

Thank you to everyone who has shown me love, and been there for me in some of my hardest times. I continually strive to be better. Praying for mine enemies, even putting their names on the prayer roll in the temple. Trying all I can do to overcome these feelings. We all struggle, but with God, anything is possible.